🔵 What to do when you've messed things up

One thing I'm certain of is that everyone reading this has made a mistake.

Some are small enough that nobody notices, and some are so big that they feel like there's no coming back from them.

Maybe you said something you can't take back. Maybe you broke someone's trust. Maybe you let down the people counting on you most. Maybe you sabotaged something good because some part of you believed you didn't deserve it.

Whatever it was, you're here now, reading this.

And that tells me something important: you care enough to want to do better.

That matters more than you think.

You Are Not Your Mistakes

When you make mistakes, even ones that feel catastrophic, the first step is to realize that you are not your mistake.

Even if you messed things up in a major way, making a bad mistake does not make you a bad person. This doesn't excuse the action, but it does mean you're not doomed to repeat it.

If you believe you are rotten, you'll continue to do rotten things. If you think you are your mistakes, you'll keep making them.

It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Your identity shapes your actions. When you define yourself by your worst moment, you give yourself permission to keep having worst moments.

"Well, this is just who I am," you tell yourself. And suddenly you're absolved of the responsibility to change.

But you're not who you were in that moment.

You're who you choose to be next.

Instead, use the mistake as an opportunity to grow. As a spotlight to shine on blind spots you've missed.

Ask yourself: What was I not paying attention to? What need was I trying to meet in the wrong way? What pattern am I finally seeing clearly?

The mistake isn't the end of your story. It's just the moment you finally got the information you needed to write a better chapter.

Face The Problem Head On

When you've realized you made a mistake, face the problem head on.

Problems are not solved by stuffing them away. In fact, the longer a problem stays buried, the bigger it grows. Problems thrive on darkness and inattentiveness, so as hard as it may feel in the moment, now is always the best time to face them.

I know this feels impossible when you're in it.

The shame feels heavy. The fear of consequences feels paralyzing. It's tempting to minimize it, rationalize it, or just hope it somehow resolves itself.

It won't.

What will happen is this: the weight will grow heavier. The story you tell yourself will become more elaborate. The gap between who you are and who you're pretending to be will widen until it becomes unbearable.

Facing the problem means different things depending on what you've done. It might mean having a difficult conversation. It might mean making amends. It might mean accepting consequences you'd rather avoid.

But whatever it means for you, it starts with one simple act: stop running.

Turn around and look at what you've done. Not through the lens of shame or self-hatred, but with honest eyes. See it for what it is.

Then decide what comes next.

A Promise To Do Better

When you've made a large mistake, the instinct is to apologize, whether that be to yourself or to the people you may have harmed. This is a noble act, but only if the apology is genuine.

My definition of a genuine apology has two parts:

1. Acknowledging the mistake.

2. A promise to do better.

Most apologies only include the first part, but it is the second part that holds all the power.

"I'm sorry" without change is just words. It's emotional relief for you, but it does nothing to repair what's broken or prevent it from happening again.

A promise to do better is more than just saying you'll try. It means identifying what specifically you're going to do differently. It means understanding what led to the mistake in the first place and putting systems in place to prevent it.

This promise isn't about perfection. You might stumble again. But the commitment to do better, backed by concrete actions, is what transforms regret into growth.

And here's what most people don't realize: the promise to do better is as much for you as it is for anyone else.

It's how you begin to trust yourself again.

It's how you prove to yourself that this mistake doesn't define you. It's your response to it that does.

The Way Forward

Here's what I know about people who've made big mistakes and come back from them:

They stopped hiding.

They stopped pretending the mistake didn't matter or that they didn't care. They faced the full weight of what they'd done. They felt the shame, the regret, the fear. And then they made a choice.

Not to be perfect. Not to never mess up again.

But to be someone who learns. Someone who grows. Someone who takes responsibility and does the work to become better.

That version of you...

...the one who faces mistakes and grows from them...

...is far more capable than the version who never makes mistakes at all.

Because that person doesn't exist.

Everyone reading this has messed up. The only difference between people who stay stuck and people who break through is what they do next.

You've already taken the first step by being here, thinking about this, wanting to do better.

Now take the next one.

See you next week,
Elliot Roe